[onefromb5b4] Coming of Age

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The entire thread can be found here
2011-Jan-12 @ 12:01 AM
Bridget
God
Member since 2006-Sep-9
Posts: 556

[onefromb5b4] Coming of Age

A brother and sister's first time with each other.


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Please read The Mystic Wolf Pub Critiquing Guide.
2011-Jan-12 @ 4:54 AM
Bd.Carlo
Inebriated
Member since 2009-Nov-7
Posts: 62

Well, that was interesting.  It was a well written story, and easy to follow. 
It was an good story with an okay plot, but I found it very much, "we did this, then this happened, then we did that, and this other thing happened" I didn't invest in the characters at all.  thats just my two cents.

PS. I think you got the ages backwards.

(posted from Chapter 1)


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"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."  Elbert Hubbard
"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking." Jerry Seinfeld
2011-Jan-12 @ 8:11 AM
Cenobite829
Inebriated
Member since 2010-Nov-13
Posts: 28

It isn't a bad story but I had a problem with the fact that there was no real dialogue it was all stuff like " She asked me this so I said this." A little more characterizations and actual conversations would be make it alot better.


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Jigsaw: If you're good at anticipating the human mind. It leaves nothing to chance
2011-Jan-12 @ 10:38 AM
T. Weller
Contributor
Member since 2009-Aug-19
Posts: 22

This was my first venture into writing erotica. All critiques are welcome and helpful. Thanks for the 2 that were posted already.


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2011-Jun-17 @ 8:23 PM
T. Weller
Contributor
Member since 2009-Aug-19
Posts: 22

I rewrote this story. Please see the Revised one.


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2011-Jun-18 @ 12:44 AM
Eric Storm
Pub Owner
Member since 2006-Sep-13
Posts: 4893

And why, if you wish to be an active writer here, wouldn't you have opened a writer's account to post this story to?

Eric Storm


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Please Remember:  The right to Freedom of Speech does not carry the proviso, "As long as it doesn't upset anyone."  The US Constitution does not grant you the right to not be offended.  If you don't like what someone's saying... IGNORE THEM.
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