Above All, Do No Harm.

Before you hit the send button -- frankly, on ANY post, ANYWHERE, to ANYONE -- ask yourself, "Could this be read in such a way as to be painful to the recipient?"  If you answer either "Yes", or "I don't know", you have some editing to do.

Now, I can't speak for the author, but personally, I did not find it "obvious" that you didn't think things needed changing.  The people on the other end of the connection are not psychic: say what you mean.  There is no body language or eye contact in text forums: you need to be far clearer about your language in order to get your intended message across.

I will give you props for taking responsibility for what you didn't like.  That being said, it would still have been better to include a suggested fix.  Perhaps the author actually agrees with you about what you don't like, but doesn't know how to fix it themselves.  (If YOU don't see a way to fix it, you shouldn't be bitching about it in the first place.)

I'd like to point out that most authors spend days, or even weeks, working on a single chapter of a story, which you readers (usually) get for free.*  The least you can do is to take a few minutes out of your day to really think through what you're going to say to that author, to, first and foremost, encourage them to continue writing.  A distant second goal is to improve their writing.  Their writing cannot improve if they aren't writing anymore.

So, yes, authors do want to hear what you have to say about their stories... in a helpful and respectful way.  Just blurting out whatever thought comes into your head?  Probably not going to be useful.

Eric Storm


* Thank you to my donors.  Yes, I realize you are not technically getting my stories for free.  But that's because you're a very nice person who doesn't want me stressed out.  You could get them for free, if you were willing to wait.

Finally an author that let's the hero, at least he seems like a nice guy so far, growing his abilities quickly and not drawn out waiting to see if he will be powerful or not.  Some may think you let the magic come too quick, but it just shows that we all have different ways of developing stories.  This is just another way to bring your imagination out to us. Keep it up.  I have read many stories about becoming magical, and every author puts their own spin on it, none better or worse, just different.  It is the story line that is important.  Stick.to your vision of this tale and all will work out in the end. And please keep writing to the end.

(posted from Chapter Three)

-Insert line that Eric would dislike-

The only thing that does bother me is, I’m having a difficult time breaking up the days or time frames between some paragraphs. Is it possible to put in some sort of indicator that a new day or time frame is happening? I was enjoying the story and got tripped up a couple times because I had assumed it was the same day or same instance and location, but it turned out to be something much different.

Aside from the separated times, I am liking the story line more and more, couple twists happened in chapter 5 that have me very curious, I’m attempting to plot out the next chapter in my head to see how it’s going, but since I don’t know the result, it’s basically pointless.

Now you know why I use two different scene separators in my stories. 

Eric Storm

PS:  What have I told you about those "lines Eric would dislike"?  I'm not gonna warn you again...  :-P

Just to let you know i am have great fun reading your story it is great along with all your stories you have written.  Looking forward to new chapters

Thank you all for the comments.

Was pretty good, again aside from missing a letter here and there. The only actual issue I had was separations between scenes or of time frame.

Examples would be during the ceremony, it suddenly went from the ceremony being complete, to the next sentence was she jumped on his dick without anything. Yes it said “said sometime later they noticed they were alone†, but it felt… rushed. Like the end of the ceremony was nothing important.

Another example was at the end of the chapter, they were talking on the wagon and suddenly it said he was asleep, it just felt… rushed?

Personally, as much as I enjoy the stories. I may be spoiled by Eric after so many years, but I think if you slowed down a little it might produce better transitions.

Now I know Eric will say, “So what would you say is a better transition?† Or something, so if you have any questions, let me know and I’ll try and give a clear view of my opinion if you think it’ll help.

Sucking up to me won't stop me from yelling at you.  :-P  Next time, just offer your suggestions for improvement, don't make them ask for it.  Otherwise, this one actually was a fairly good critique, mechanically speaking.  (I cannot speak to the accuracy of the critique, as I haven't read the story in question.)

(I felt the need to say this because I think sometimes people think I don't want people to say anything negative, when the truth is I just want you to be constructive about it.)

Eric Storm

Fine, aside from double checking the proofreading which should always be done, even for Eric,(specially for Eric). I think the only actual problem is without the separators, it seems rushed which I am guessing is not your intent.

So general ideas for improvement:

Separators

Little more description for some things. There has been a few scenes that I KNOW what happened, but I can’t seen it. Such as the ceremony, I feel it lacked detail. I would say, read the chapter and after every scene change or action scene, ask yourself, “Does that sound right from the readers perspective?† Now I’m not saying spend 4-5 hours on it since the chapters are fairly short, but an hour to cruise through it as a reader may help expand on some scenes.

Use names a little more. I understand titles are important for the age of the era, but when there is 3 people talking and they all sound the same, it does get a little confusing who said what at parts of the conversation.

I can see some end goals or possibilities for where the story might be going, but so far the entire trip seems rushed.

Again, we may be spoiled because of Eric being detailed, I do feel some pace would benefit.

I would also suggest that Eric reads it as a reader and not from an authors perspective, maybe he will see similarly as I do and give a better explanation then I can.

Oh, look, an actual critique!  See, you can do it!

:-P

I want to back up one point that Elessar made, and that's about using names, especially during dialogue.  I have caught myself even with my own work, going, "Who is speaking here?"  Usually I can figure it out, but you don't want your reader having to "figure it out" while they're reading.

John asked, "foo bar baz?"
"Baz bar foo," Sally replied.
"Fibble wuzzle!" Harry asserted.

I know this can seem tedious, and you don't have to do it with every line... although the more people you have who might possibly be speaking, the more frequently names need to be used.  If you get above three, there should be a name attached to every goddamned piece of dialogue, because it then becomes completely impossible to tell who's speaking without it.

Even in a conversation with just two people, you should occasionally use their names, to make sure the reader hasn't lost track.  Especially if there is a pause in the conversation before someone speaks again.

Oh, and if you're using titles (I'm gathering things like "Sire", "Your Majesty", and the like...) you may occasionally need to include a directed-at name in the narration:

"What is it you wish of me, Your Highness?" Bazooka Joe asked Prince Bubblegum.

This will be especially important if there is more than one of that title present, but you should probably do this at least once in any conversation more than a few exchanges long.

One other thing about names... I know this is unrealistic, but you can use them in dialogue to reflect who's speaking, rather than in the narration:

John and Sally walked to the door together.
"Good night, John."
"See you tomorrow, Sally."

There are only two people, and since they're unlikely to be talking to themselves, you know who's speaking.  Thing is, people don't do this in real life... but it is extremely common in books, so it's okay to do it.

One last point about something Elessar said:  It's a good idea to evaluate your scenes "as a reader", but DO NOT do it immediately after writing the scene.  Just carry on with your writing.  Wait until at least the next day, and then re-read it to see how well it flows.  The reason for this is simply that, right after you're finished writing it, you're still in author mode, and you have the scene clearly in your head.  You won't realize, "Hey, I've given no indication of the fact that the monster is on Alan's left, while the door he has to go through is straight ahead..."  Yes, this seems like an awfully large fact to miss, but believe me, it happens all the time, because, as authors, we know what's going on, we don't need to have that spelled out.  The reader is not that fortunate.

And, while you should do a final re-read when the chapter's done, like Elessar mentioned, I would not wait this long to re-read the individual scenes.  The reason is that, depending on just how long it takes you to write the chapter, you may forget the details of the scene in your head before you have a chance to evaluate the scene.  This would leave you going, "I know I need to add in this detail, but now I can't remember what it was..."  If you re-read it within a few days, it's a good balance of old enough to not see it immediately, but still fresh enough to be able to pull up details not written down.

The way I usually handle this is, I will read what I wrote the previous day, as a prelude to doing today's writing.  Not only does it let me look over those scenes, it gets my mind back into the story before I start adding words to it.  It reminds me of exactly where I was, and may help me recreate the mood of the story in my mind.  Then I can (hopefully) carry on as if it was all written together.



I'll let the rest of Elessar's comments stand on their own, for once. 

Eric Storm

Jolly Jesus! I did a critique properly! I fudged up some of it but it was balanced out.

I like the way it was mentioned to add the names in the dialogue, I think that would help. Some of the conversations(after rereading), seemed they all had pretty similar personalities unless it was a crazy scene.(like the storm)

Either way I look forward to reading what you produce in the future.

First of all, thank you for your comments.

I have a person helping me with the proof reading and her help has been invaluable.  She is able to spot a lot of little irritating errors.

I try to make it clear who is speaking, either by the form of address or name dropping.  I try to avoid the 'he said, she said' thing, especially where it's a simple back and forth between two people.

I hope to improve as I go along and these comments and critiques do help.

My proof reader also writes(she publishes on another site) and we spend quite a bit of time discussing each other's work, suggesting changes and corrections.  I think I learn more by helping her than I do working on my own stuff.

Again, thank you for your comments.

Pleidius wrote:

I try to make it clear who is speaking, either by the form of address or name dropping.  I try to avoid the 'he said, she said' thing, especially where it's a simple back and forth between two people.

Yeah, STOP avoiding it.  Just because it is clear to YOU who's speaking, does NOT mean it is clear to your reader.  That one of your readers has already mentioned it as an issue, means that others are having trouble and simply aren't speaking up.

Like I said, it doesn't have to appear on every line, but if you have a longer conversation, it should show up every few exchanges.  Again, I realize it seems superfluous to you, but it guarantees the reader is still following along accurately, and it costs you nothing (unless you're a REALLY slow typist...).  If you don't want the word "said" to keep appearing... get a thesaurus.  "replied, observed, asked, queried, explained, retorted, asserted, implored..."  Adding these in can also give texture to the dialogue, by imparting tone of voice to the character.

"Help me," John said.
"Help me," John begged.

Two different tones, one different word.

Eric Storm

Very good story line. i agree with Eric and Elessar on the whole being clear who is speaking in some of the scenes. As well as sometimes the charecters or story seems rushed. As well as it was mentioned that you could use some more detail in some spots other than very well writen look forward to the continuation of the story. considering i just returned to this site after a while away and found this and just read the 7 chapters that are available in one go haha.

(posted from the Item Information Page)

I see you took into consideration who speaks and organizing it. It is done beautifully, and while this isn’t the case with this chapter, as Eric mentioned, be careful not to over do it.

I did notice a couple times though, your still using ‘I’ when speaking as Stephan, which from what I can tell isn’t accurate. It feels like the story is read about him, rather from him? Maybe I misunderstood it or something, but aside from that, it’s great. Happy twists and turns.

Dammit, this is getting serious.  I have to back Elessar up for a SECOND time.  I don't like the precedent.

Having looked over just the first... like thousand words, of the first chapter, Elessar is right:  You're mixing your point of view.  Most of the story, you're using third-person ("he said..."), but every once in a while, you slip and write in first-person ("I said...")

I'm going to be blunt, and loud here:  DO NOT USE FIRST PERSON POINT OF VIEW.  I have very few absolutes about writing, but this comes very close to being one.  First-person is very difficult to make sound good in story form.  I should know: I've tried it at least once.  I was not entirely happy with the outcome. 

First person also limits you to what the narrator can relate to the reader.  For instance, you cannot impart to the reader the motive of any character other than the narrator, because the narrator wouldn't know that.  On the other hand, you cannot logically have the narrator "not know" anything that the character knows, which means you can't keep certain things secret.

Third-person narration is not just the easiest, but the best form.  It allows you to let the narrator tell... whatever you want the narrator to tell.  You can use "limited omniscient" mode, where the narrator only knows everything about the main character, or you can go "full omniscient" mode, where the narrator knows everything about everyone.  Plus, it is easier to logically hide things from the reader by simply not telling them.

Anyway, whichever point of view you choose to write in, it is never okay to mix them together.  Pick one, and stick with it.

Eric Storm

PS:  Just for completeness, and in case anyone both doesn't know, and actually cares:  Second person point of view is the "you said..." version.  It's used almost exclusively in choose-your-own-adventure books, because in any other form, it tends to become very tedious, very fast.

Thank you Eric.

Unintended third to first person shifts are a problem I struggle with.

Trying to get better at it . . .

Please don’t worry to much. You know about it so that’s the major point. It’s only a few times and it’s not every chapter so we see the improvement. The chapter came together very well and a lot of the minor issues have been corrected. So aside from my desire to just keep reading, you are doing great.

Pleidius wrote:

Thank you Eric.

Unintended third to first person shifts are a problem I struggle with.

Trying to get better at it . . .

Pleidius wrote:

Trying to get better at it . . .

That's the important part.

Eric Storm

a sad chapter, I will miss the kitten.  And a swift change of direction.  My mind twists sharply trying to workout how being Lord and Master will be tested in future chapters.  But I have no doubt it will be a fun read no mater which direction you take us.  Thank you again for sharing your imagination and writings with us mere readers and fans.

(posted from Chapter Nine)

Thank you . . . 

Non spoiler spoiler:

If things go the way I hope they will, you might want to invest in a seat belt and barf bag . . .

The chapter was great, ended to quick but that is my fault. Continued great job with the conversations portion, have been able to follow beautifully.

Thank you for your comment

Nice gentle tale.  Thank you.  I like your strong quick paced story as well, but this is a nice easy to relax read.

(posted from Chapter Eleven)

Hoping to see something on either book one or two. Hope things are going great otherwise.