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#26 2022-03-15 10:56:14

Eric Storm
Pub Owner
From: New Port Richey, FL
Registered: 2006-09-12
Posts: 5516
Website

Re: Tales of the Summoned: Book One: Stephan

Dammit, this is getting serious.  I have to back Elessar up for a SECOND time.  I don't like the precedent.

Having looked over just the first... like thousand words, of the first chapter, Elessar is right:  You're mixing your point of view.  Most of the story, you're using third-person ("he said..."), but every once in a while, you slip and write in first-person ("I said...")

I'm going to be blunt, and loud here:  DO NOT USE FIRST PERSON POINT OF VIEW.  I have very few absolutes about writing, but this comes very close to being one.  First-person is very difficult to make sound good in story form.  I should know: I've tried it at least once.  I was not entirely happy with the outcome. 

First person also limits you to what the narrator can relate to the reader.  For instance, you cannot impart to the reader the motive of any character other than the narrator, because the narrator wouldn't know that.  On the other hand, you cannot logically have the narrator "not know" anything that the character knows, which means you can't keep certain things secret.

Third-person narration is not just the easiest, but the best form.  It allows you to let the narrator tell... whatever you want the narrator to tell.  You can use "limited omniscient" mode, where the narrator only knows everything about the main character, or you can go "full omniscient" mode, where the narrator knows everything about everyone.  Plus, it is easier to logically hide things from the reader by simply not telling them.

Anyway, whichever point of view you choose to write in, it is never okay to mix them together.  Pick one, and stick with it.

Eric Storm

PS:  Just for completeness, and in case anyone both doesn't know, and actually cares:  Second person point of view is the "you said..." version.  It's used almost exclusively in choose-your-own-adventure books, because in any other form, it tends to become very tedious, very fast.


Please Remember:  The right to Freedom of Speech does not carry the proviso, "As long as it doesn't upset anyone."  The US Constitution does not grant you the right to not be offended.  If you don't like what someone's saying... IGNORE THEM.
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#27 2022-03-15 15:56:36

Pleidius
Inebriated
From: Minnesota
Registered: 2021-06-09
Posts: 55

Re: Tales of the Summoned: Book One: Stephan

Thank you Eric.

Unintended third to first person shifts are a problem I struggle with.

Trying to get better at it . . .


If you're prepared to face the consequences, go ahead . . .

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#28 2022-03-15 19:22:24

Elessar
Completely Blotto
Registered: 2009-10-28
Posts: 365

Re: Tales of the Summoned: Book One: Stephan

Please don’t worry to much. You know about it so that’s the major point. It’s only a few times and it’s not every chapter so we see the improvement. The chapter came together very well and a lot of the minor issues have been corrected. So aside from my desire to just keep reading, you are doing great.


Pleidius wrote:

Thank you Eric.

Unintended third to first person shifts are a problem I struggle with.

Trying to get better at it . . .

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#29 2022-03-15 23:32:13

Eric Storm
Pub Owner
From: New Port Richey, FL
Registered: 2006-09-12
Posts: 5516
Website

Re: Tales of the Summoned: Book One: Stephan

Pleidius wrote:

Trying to get better at it . . .

That's the important part.

Eric Storm


Please Remember:  The right to Freedom of Speech does not carry the proviso, "As long as it doesn't upset anyone."  The US Constitution does not grant you the right to not be offended.  If you don't like what someone's saying... IGNORE THEM.
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#30 2022-03-22 12:19:15

Zmaybe
Inebriated
From: Phoenix AZ
Registered: 2021-06-27
Posts: 51

Re: Tales of the Summoned: Book One: Stephan

a sad chapter, I will miss the kitten.  And a swift change of direction.  My mind twists sharply trying to workout how being Lord and Master will be tested in future chapters.  But I have no doubt it will be a fun read no mater which direction you take us.  Thank you again for sharing your imagination and writings with us mere readers and fans.

(posted from Chapter Nine)

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#31 2022-03-22 14:00:35

Pleidius
Inebriated
From: Minnesota
Registered: 2021-06-09
Posts: 55

Re: Tales of the Summoned: Book One: Stephan

Thank you . . . 

Non spoiler spoiler:

If things go the way I hope they will, you might want to invest in a seat belt and barf bag . . .


If you're prepared to face the consequences, go ahead . . .

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#32 2022-03-25 03:50:50

Elessar
Completely Blotto
Registered: 2009-10-28
Posts: 365

Re: Tales of the Summoned: Book One: Stephan

The chapter was great, ended to quick but that is my fault. Continued great job with the conversations portion, have been able to follow beautifully.

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#33 2022-03-25 21:08:10

Pleidius
Inebriated
From: Minnesota
Registered: 2021-06-09
Posts: 55

Re: Tales of the Summoned: Book One: Stephan

Thank you for your comment


If you're prepared to face the consequences, go ahead . . .

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#34 2022-05-04 11:37:59

Zmaybe
Inebriated
From: Phoenix AZ
Registered: 2021-06-27
Posts: 51

Re: Tales of the Summoned: Book One: Stephan

Nice gentle tale.  Thank you.  I like your strong quick paced story as well, but this is a nice easy to relax read.

(posted from Chapter Eleven)

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#35 2022-06-27 04:53:57

Elessar
Completely Blotto
Registered: 2009-10-28
Posts: 365

Re: Tales of the Summoned: Book One: Stephan

Hoping to see something on either book one or two. Hope things are going great otherwise.

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