| 2025-Jan-24 @ 1:13 PM | |
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Bridget Barmaid Member since 2006-Sep-9 Posts: 868 |
The Super ----- Please read The Mystic Wolf Pub Critiquing Guide. SITE CONTENT POLICY: The administrator of this site will not reject, remove, or censor any story posted to this site based on the story's content. No story shall be removed except for purely technical reasons (which will be worked out with the author so that the story can be reposted as quickly as possible), or due to a direct order from the site's hosting provider, a law-enforcement entity, or the story's owner. |
| 2025-Jan-24 @ 5:46 PM | |
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Eric Storm Pub Owner Member since 2006-Sep-13 Posts: 5912 |
I'm assuming that "Chapter 1" is not, in fact, part of the story's title. Perhaps you should change that. ----- Please Remember: The right to Freedom of Speech does not carry the proviso, "As long as it doesn't upset anyone." The US Constitution does not grant you the right to not be offended. If you don't like what someone's saying... IGNORE THEM. ---- Facebook page |
| 2025-Jan-24 @ 7:45 PM | |
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JustLucky Inebriated Member since 2021-Oct-11 Posts: 41 |
Good story, great premise :-) ----- |
| 2025-Jan-29 @ 12:33 AM | |
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temnix Tipsy Member since 2025-Jan-17 Posts: 8 |
A well-paced set-up, not too fast or too slow. I generally prefer things pretty quick, but this leaves room for development and description. How about adding some sound to this? How someone walks, ambients... Imagine that you are directing a porno in the old style, with a solid budget, acting and beautiful people. As for flaws, they are small: make sure the direct speech quotes are in place everywhere. Also there is no reason to keep so many lines separate. Build up paragraphs some. And try to use synonyms on occasion. You could say "the old place" instead of "the rat hole" when they go one after the other. All in all, this is a nice, horny, potentially exhibitionist, potentially bisexual, definitely incestuous start. ----- |