great story i just hope it doesn't end here.

(posted from Chapter Eighteen)

I read this at that other site and found it well done. Can't remember if you showing up here was due to my urging but I am glad you are here. I read it again. I also read a companion story about a hispanic girl and her trials and tribulations with the growth of her sexuality. If it is also your story, and I think it is, you should also post it here.

This is really well written and hope to read more chapters (that I know you have written, wink, wink).

I just love this story you are creating

Don

(posted from Chapter Twenty-three)

Thanks for your kind words.

BF

OK,, I finally started reading this story...

1 Social Note on the Pro-log
and 1 Suggestion about the Intro.

Social Note on the Pro-log
you may want to look up Asian culture.  the facts you state about human society and our drives are pretty much true for wester culture.  But I spent a number of years in Mainland China and other Asian countries.  The general social paradigm there is quite different.. especially in Rural China.. there is a Far Stronger "the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few" mentality.  So there are cultures here in our own universe that are fare more Team-Good oriented.   With looking into.

Note on the Intro-Narrative.

Sure it's clear what you mean by the last sentence... BUT I think it would have been more impactful if you slip in Beth's father's hair color a few times in the introduction before this...   Maybe 1 in a description and a few passive comments.. Then when you get to that sentence the reader's brain will be pre-primed and the sentence will have a lot more power..

Beyond that... general thoughts..

simply this.. can't wait to dig in and read the rest of this.

\Abaddon

(posted from Prologue)

Really enjoying the story so far... Just finished Chapter four.

Great original concept, both in premise/plot and story telling mechanism. 

two notes to give at this point, neather are major

#1 the bit where Beth gives her friend a Birthday Present.  The dialog leading up to it seemed a bit Transactional for two teenaged girls. It seemed more the way boys think than girls..   Girls tend to be ( at least in my experience ) tend to be less direct, more nuanced. should be more beating arround the bush with double entandre and flirting. just my opt.

#2 Several times we see Beth making leaps of intuition. The first and most noticeable being after the initial contract. I forget the exact quote but it was something to the effect of "I was right, she is a submissive" or something like it.   this is fine and dandy, but would be better, more impactful if Beth noticed and commented on her "Suspissions" before comeing to the conclusion.  Just adds a little weight to the words if the reader is pre-primed for the Ah-ha moment.  Nothing overt, just a noticieing of something or mentioning of something that can connect the dots for the reader.    Maybe something she saw in what she whitnessed, or something in her mothers reaction when confronted etc...

Just a few thoughts.  Really enjoying the story so far.

(posted from Chapter Four)

I have to say, as wonderfully erotic as this series is, the rhetorical gymnastics are very much appreciated (and rare in this genre).

(posted from Chapter Four)

So, I'm a little puzzled about this chapter. Coach comes to visit and they sit in the living room to discuss the tournament? Doesn't she see the beds? What does she think? Was this just a mistake that needs to be fixed?

(posted from Chapter Thirty)

I love this story it is so much fun to read

(posted from Chapter Forty)

Beth readers:

I forgot to include a section of text in the published Chapter 43, so I'll be updating that chapter quite soon, but that will delay getting Chapter 44 published.

BF

The new version of Chapter 43 is up.

BF

She got between the island and me, snuggled her face into my crotch, then did something I could not figure out, although Rhee and Beth told me later that she had put his cock in her mouth to get him wet. ....( Since this is Beth telling the story how can she be telling herself anything.)....error...this does not compute! ;-).

(posted from Chapter Forty-five)

Ah. Thanks. I'll fix that.

BF

I find myself on edge until you post another chapter, I truly enjoy the story in all aspects.  The soccer team the friendships and the family interaction.  Please keep the chapters coming.

Don

(posted from Chapter Fifty)

Parts of Chapter 49 are repeated at the start of Chapter 50.

September 27, 2017 (Wednesday)

(posted from the Item Information Page)

As I enjoy this story, I wonder about birth control. I wonder if Sandy wants to see some babies. It is a wonderful story.

(posted from the Item Information Page)

bigro wrote:

As I enjoy this story, I wonder about birth control. I wonder if Sandy wants to see some babies. It is a wonderful story.

(posted from the Item Information Page)

Read the prologue again. Thanks for your kind words.

BF

Just an incredible story, the friendship that you show and love for each other between the characters make this so enjoyable to read.  I can't hardly wait for the next chapters.

my best
Don

(posted from Chapter Fifty-five)

donkeyside6543 wrote:

Just an incredible story, the friendship that you show and love for each other between the characters make this so enjoyable to read.  I can't hardly wait for the next chapters.

my best
Don

(posted from Chapter Fifty-five)

Thanks for reading and for your kind words.

BF

A possible editing 'miss':
"All of that got Rhee and Beth worked up on Dad’s mouth" - given that this is narrated by Beth & paragraph ends with Beth saying that "I would certainly have followed the four of them over the cliff", would I be correct in thinking it should be 'Rhee and Heather'?

(posted from Chapter Forty-five)

Indeed. I took the time to do a quick edit of the chapter and found other stuff that needed cleaning up.

Thanks,

BF

Chapter 64 of Beth is coming, but I've run into some snags in finding time to re-edit it and get it posted, mostly due to life outside of writing. It may well be another week yet.

BF

As allways I really enjoy this story and the way you are writing it, I find the story written as a diary is a form i truly enjoy reading.  Looking forward to the next chapter.

Don

(posted from Chapter Sixty-four)

I forgot to add the bits from the Civia story into Chapters 61, 69, and 70. I've made those additions and re-uploaded those chapters. Nothing particularly significant to the overall story was part of those additions, but Civia's life becomes a bit more understandable in them.

Damn the emotions you can bring about is just amazing to me.  Well done

Don

(posted from Chapter Seventy-two)