going to give another bit of constructive criticisem here.

in the following segment:

I put some garlic bread in the over and texted Nicole that food would be ready in 20. It seemed the safest option. The girls came out with sex hair and both kissed me, briefly for Nicole and deeply from Katie, but both tasted of each other's juices. My brain didn't know what to think about that, but my shorts were uncomfortably tight as I served the food. It was noticed and there was some giggling, but it wasn't much different than normal.

We had a delightful dinner, filled with jokes and dinosaur facts, and me studiously ignoring they were giving each other and me. It was almost a normal meal except for all the subtext. Finally, as we all pushed back from the table, full as ticks, I said "So... we should probably establish some ground rules." The girls gave me immediate, if skeptical, attention. "First, I understand that I can not use any of the standard dad language..."

#1-- bread in the over should be bread in the oven.

#2 and the real suggestion is... "We had a delightful dinner, filled with jokes and dinosaur facts, and me studiously ignoring they were giving each other and me. It was almost a normal meal except for all the subtext."   YOU missed a golden opportunity to SHOW us that dinner, discussion/dialog.  what would add a lot of depth and realisem to your story.  I would have enjoyed actualy seeing/reading that dialog.

(posted from Status Quo)

abaddon.pale wrote:

Interested to see where this is going.. also currious, given daughter kisses dad and he tastes pussy... exactly how does daughter kiss dad? sort of implies a level of taboo already crossed.  Perhaps if you do intend that it was a chaste / dad daughter kiss not intended for it to be a tongue kiss this early in the story, perhaps he could lick his lips reflectively after and taste it.  (A)

one other comment. ... and I LOVE the direct... Yes, Yes I would at the end... but perhaps he shoudl as the girls mom first, "and your ok with this?"
sure it's implied because she is there. but he proabbly still should ask. (B)

(posted from Who the hell is Mark?)

(A) Added for the rewrite.

(B) As you've probably gotten further in, Robert and Carol have some history that makes this unnecessary. He met her on the wrong end of a shotgun, so he knows Carol knows how to express herself.

abaddon.pale wrote:

Ok.. this was HOT...

But maybe that's just me... as is it's great.  hot... and fits the characters.  It could just be a bit hotter if Robert "led" more..

(posted from First Date)

Robert is not the protagonist of the story. He's the perspective character, but definitely not the one driving the action.

abaddon.pale wrote:

Ok... This chapter was fun.  A little disappointed that daughter didn't stay to watch .

(posted from Her turn)

Always trust the Pointer Sisters, bud. Or was it Conway Twitty?

abaddon.pale wrote:

She is a good girl.

(posted from Getting to know you)

She is. The best.

Fucking LOVED... the subtle Princess Bride reference. Well Done!

"So... I jerk off and you do, too, and we get off like civilized people?"

"As god intended," she said, completing the nerdy line, "Sportsmanlike."

(posted from Over the phone)

OK... this was an odd transition.. the rest of the story has been from Dad's Perspective this chapter after a bit of reading is obviously from Nikki's perspective.   I do perspective shifts in my stories too.. may be a good idea to put POV character at the top of every chapter ... or every chapter that is different.  just to save a bit of confusion on the part of the reader.

(posted from Meanwhile)

OK... the combo planning while roleplaying was awsome.... well done.. could stand to be a LOT longer though.. was just enough hotness to get interst and leave me wanting more.

(posted from Brainstorming)

abaddon.pale wrote:

Fucking LOVED... the subtle Princess Bride reference. Well Done!

"So... I jerk off and you do, too, and we get off like civilized people?"

"As god intended," she said, completing the nerdy line, "Sportsmanlike."

(posted from Over the phone)

They're fucking nerds.

abaddon.pale wrote:

OK... this was an odd transition.. the rest of the story has been from Dad's Perspective this chapter after a bit of reading is obviously from Nikki's perspective.   I do perspective shifts in my stories too.. may be a good idea to put POV character at the top of every chapter ... or every chapter that is different.  just to save a bit of confusion on the part of the reader.

(posted from Meanwhile)

Added for the rewrite.

kallisex wrote:

abaddon.pale wrote:

OK... this was an odd transition.. the rest of the story has been from Dad's Perspective this chapter after a bit of reading is obviously from Nikki's perspective.   I do perspective shifts in my stories too.. may be a good idea to put POV character at the top of every chapter ... or every chapter that is different.  just to save a bit of confusion on the part of the reader.

(posted from Meanwhile)

Added for the rewrite.

in fairness after the transiton the story stays in Nikki for as far as you have published.  I do still think it would be cool to

A) have the chapter title and number at the top of each section ( given Eric doesnt' publish the chapter title on the page itself )
B) add the POV under the chapter title

I do both of these things in my storires at least when there are multiple POVs.

your story obviously works without it, but it helps the reader when transitioning POVs.
I recently listend to a story on Facebook or Youtrube where the story shifted POVs multipe times and I had to keep backing up to figure out what the hell was going on LOL

abaddon.pale wrote:

A) have the chapter title and number at the top of each section ( given Eric doesnt' publish the chapter title on the page itself )

A correction:  If the chapter has a title, it will be used in the story's Table of Contents, and the current chapter is "highlighted" (ie, disabled) in the Table of Contents, making it easy to find the name of the chapter even without scrolling to the top of the chapter.

Eric Storm

Eric Storm wrote:

abaddon.pale wrote:

A) have the chapter title and number at the top of each section ( given Eric doesnt' publish the chapter title on the page itself )

A correction:  If the chapter has a title, it will be used in the story's Table of Contents, and the current chapter is "highlighted" (ie, disabled) in the Table of Contents, making it easy to find the name of the chapter even without scrolling to the top of the chapter.

Eric Storm

It's always scary when he does that.

-Kalli

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! :evil:

Eric Storm

Eric Storm wrote:

abaddon.pale wrote:

A) have the chapter title and number at the top of each section ( given Eric doesnt' publish the chapter title on the page itself )

A correction:  If the chapter has a title, it will be used in the story's Table of Contents, and the current chapter is "highlighted" (ie, disabled) in the Table of Contents, making it easy to find the name of the chapter even without scrolling to the top of the chapter.

Eric Storm

YES>.. it's in the table of contents. 
and while I made a suggestion of adding it to the page display itself ( maybe in the tool bar ) it's just a suggestion.

my point to Kallisex is he ( I think ) like I have chapters that switch POV..   would be a conveyance for the reader to have the Chapter and POV listed at the start of each chapter ( like in a book )

Again this is JUST a suggestion, not belleacheing

My correction was aimed at your comment that the chapter's title is not found on the page anywhere, which isn't true.  It had nothing to do with your suggestion.

However, I will say that putting any text in the toolbar, or in its own box at the top of the page, would permanently remove screen space from your reading area.  The toolbar would have to be (at least) twice as large as it is currently.  So, my suggestion is, if you want this information easily available to your readers:

1. Make the POV part of the chapter's title, and
2. Put the chapter title at the start of the chapter file.

Putting it at the start of the chapter makes sure the reader sees that information when the chapter loads.  Making it an actual part of the chapter title means it will still tell them the POV when they look at the Table of Contents.

Eric Storm

Hey, I had a question...

Primarily for Eric, but I also am fine with others replying.

If I'm going to do full rewrites of chapters, not just editing to fix details, would that be just replacing the current chapters or should I start a new story with the new chapters? In other words, should rewrites obliterate the original, or should I have another parallel rewritten story?

Thanks in advance, folks.

-Kalli

Does your rewrite change plot details?  In other words, will follow-on chapters still make sense, without any continuity problems?

If so, i'd say just do a normal chapter repost.  If the change is significant enough that it will "break" any of the following chapters, then my suggestion would still not be to post it as a new story.  It would be to delete the chapters of the old story, and treat them as if they never existed, then post the newly edited chapters into the existing story.  Otherwise, you're going to wind up with two stories on the site that are going to share a title and a description, and readers are going to find it very hard to tell which one they're supposed to read.

There is, however, no "rule" about this, so handle it in whatever way works best for you.

Eric Storm

Nice addition.  I am actually loving this story.  I do kind of hate that dad is such a fucking SIMP, but I get it and see it working towards "manning up."  these girls obviously want to "Top from the bottom," so hopefully he will grow a pair soon.

**Suggestion/Comment**

--Katie looked excited for a moment. "But you shouldn't," her mom said. Katie stuck out her tongue at her mother. "You shouldn't because he'll feel used. You didn't like when boys took advantage of you being bigger and stronger, went around consent..." she said, and Katie crossed her arms, like a cartoon child in the middle of the pool. Clearly they were referencing something I hadn't been a part of. Katie was always in charge with boys in this town.--

I've noticed you do this from time to time.   Switch who's speaking mid-paragraph.  The specific case above isn't so bad. But it does cause a bit of a hickup in reading, as you try to figure out who is speaking.   I personally like to in dialog make sure if a different character is speaking than the one that was previously speaking or being described, I start a new paragraph so the change is clear.

this is JUST a suggestion.

(posted from Pool (N))

Eric Storm wrote:

Does your rewrite change plot details?  In other words, will follow-on chapters still make sense, without any continuity problems?

If so, i'd say just do a normal chapter repost.  If the change is significant enough that it will "break" any of the following chapters, then my suggestion would still not be to post it as a new story.  It would be to delete the chapters of the old story, and treat them as if they never existed, then post the newly edited chapters into the existing story.  Otherwise, you're going to wind up with two stories on the site that are going to share a title and a description, and readers are going to find it very hard to tell which one they're supposed to read.

There is, however, no "rule" about this, so handle it in whatever way works best for you.

Eric Storm

I agree with Eric 100% on this.   

I would add that.. while your story is in "Ongoing" form.  E.g. "Not yet complete."  you can consider the story in Draft form, so even major changes are to be expected. I did a revision of Cabal somewhere around chapter 10 where I had an idea that changed some minor things and had to go back and update all the previous chapters to maintain coherence. It was not a major change, but a lot of little ones.  I just reposted those chapters.

What you could do is ..
if you make a significant change to a previously posted chapter.. update the title putting [Revised: 1..] at the end of the title.
So your readers know they should re-read that/those sections.

Then when the story is complete... ( last chapter published ) remove all those [Revised] tags and mark the story complete.  following that.. you could do a "Second Edditon" if you want to re-write the story.

just some thoughts.   your story, you do you.

Ps. are you on the discord?

abaddon.pale wrote:

Nice addition.  I am actually loving this story.  I do kind of hate that dad is such a fucking SIMP, but I get it and see it working towards "manning up."  these girls obviously want to "Top from the bottom," so hopefully he will grow a pair soon.

**Suggestion/Comment**

--Katie looked excited for a moment. "But you shouldn't," her mom said. Katie stuck out her tongue at her mother. "You shouldn't because he'll feel used. You didn't like when boys took advantage of you being bigger and stronger, went around consent..." she said, and Katie crossed her arms, like a cartoon child in the middle of the pool. Clearly they were referencing something I hadn't been a part of. Katie was always in charge with boys in this town.--

I've noticed you do this from time to time.   Switch who's speaking mid-paragraph.  The specific case above isn't so bad. But it does cause a bit of a hickup in reading, as you try to figure out who is speaking.   I personally like to in dialog make sure if a different character is speaking than the one that was previously speaking or being described, I start a new paragraph so the change is clear.

this is JUST a suggestion.

(posted from Pool (N))

Katie is acting but only Carol is speaking here. It is a little awkward, though. Added for the rewrite.

abaddon.pale wrote:

Ps. are you on the discord?

Didn't know there was one.

I get a little nervous with personal details, as I wouldn't want to blow up my life.

That said, what does the discord entail?

-Kalli

abaddon.pale wrote:

Nice addition.  I am actually loving this story.  I do kind of hate that dad is such a fucking SIMP, but I get it and see it working towards "manning up."  these girls obviously want to "Top from the bottom," so hopefully he will grow a pair soon.

(posted from Pool (N))

I guess I don't understand the word 'simp' in this context. Generally, I understand simp to mean someone who is obsequious or fawning to try to get into a girl's pants. Sucking up or white knighting to get laid, etc. That does not feel relevant.

Unless you mean, why is he not being more dominant, as you asked before, and I don't know what to tell you. Not all men are dominant, and not all women prefer dominant men. If this is what you mean, I encourage you to try the buffet.

I don't understand what you mean, genuinely. Forgive me if I'm being unclear. I am trying to understand the complaint.

-Kalli

abaddon.pale wrote:

**Suggestion/Comment**

--Katie looked excited for a moment. "But you shouldn't," her mom said. Katie stuck out her tongue at her mother. "You shouldn't because he'll feel used. You didn't like when boys took advantage of you being bigger and stronger, went around consent..." she said, and Katie crossed her arms, like a cartoon child in the middle of the pool. Clearly they were referencing something I hadn't been a part of. Katie was always in charge with boys in this town.--

I've noticed you do this from time to time.   Switch who's speaking mid-paragraph.  The specific case above isn't so bad. But it does cause a bit of a hickup in reading, as you try to figure out who is speaking.   I personally like to in dialog make sure if a different character is speaking than the one that was previously speaking or being described, I start a new paragraph so the change is clear.

I have re-read this paragraph I think five times now, just to make sure I'm not missing something.

There aren't two people speaking here.  There is one person speaking, and one person narrating.  This story is apparently being told from first-person POV (Disclaimer:  I haven't read the story), which will regularly wind up with the narrator referencing themselves in paragraphs that include the dialogue of others.

I do agree, however, that this paragraph needs some kind of rewrite.  Not to fix the problem you're pointing out, but to improve flow.  Breaking it into smaller paragraphs might help.

Also, it's not just your personal preference, but actually a style rule that any paragraph should contain dialogue from only one speaker.  If a new person starts speaking, you are supposed to start a new paragraph.

Eric Storm

PS:  It's spelled "hiccup".  :-P

Eric Storm wrote:

I have re-read this paragraph I think five times now, just to make sure I'm not missing something.

There aren't two people speaking here.  There is one person speaking, and one person narrating.  This story is apparently being told from first-person POV (Disclaimer:  I haven't read the story), which will regularly wind up with the narrator referencing themselves in paragraphs that include the dialogue of others.

I do agree, however, that this paragraph needs some kind of rewrite.  Not to fix the problem you're pointing out, but to improve flow.  Breaking it into smaller paragraphs might help.

Also, it's not just your personal preference, but actually a style rule that any paragraph should contain dialogue from only one speaker.  If a new person starts speaking, you are supposed to start a new paragraph.

Eric Storm

PS:  It's spelled "hiccup".  :-P

Thanks, Eric. You spoil us.

-Kalli

PPS: sometimes it's spelled 'hiccough.'