The Pub Discussion Board

May be some of your best writing yet..

This is an interesting concept..  Father Daughter who play but only virtually.  Yet this "Virtual Reality" is more like Augmented Reality.. or even "Synthetic Reality" as it's so much further beyond what AR and VR can do.

I really only have three constructive suggestions.

#1 MORE PLEASE!

#2 the line that starts "Huh?" Beside me, Jessica stared around.....   may be better "the form of Jessica stared...   As written it confused me and made me think you used the wrong name until I re-read it a few times.  Before I got it that it was V in J's form.

#3 when you end the first section with "Letme try"  and cut to I went to bed.. it would have been nice to get a bit more of Daddy Daughter Game night.  and a bit of foreshadowing that he forgot to disconnect the two rigs.
Maybe even to have them play some games where they are the bad guys slaughtering a village of fuzzy wuzzies or something.  This would lend more poignance when she says later. its ok for us to murder togehter in VR but not this?   I REALLY loved that argument.

(posted from Virtual Reality)

Eric Storm wrote:

If you're going to make suggestions about things that talk about specific story scenes, you might want to consider using the "spoiler" tag to hide it from those who might not have read that far yet.  Just a suggestion of my own.

Eric Storm

Good point.

Just trying to be more active commenting on other authors.  Thinking if I want feedback myself well then I should also provide it to others.

I didn't think anything I wrote was too spoilery but I will be more careful in the future.

abaddon.pale wrote:

May be some of your best writing yet..

Thank-you. That means a lot.

#1 MORE PLEASE!

I think the father/daughter story is done for now, although it may come back. There are ideas percolating about how I can take the story further with these characters though. But nothing for a while, I think.

#2 the line that starts "Huh?" Beside me, Jessica stared around.....   I re-read it a few times.

Always a useful guide that there are issues to be fixed.

#3 ... This would lend more poignance when she says later. its ok for us to murder togehter in VR but not this?   I REALLY loved that argument.

That is a very good point. Of course at the time I was trying to get to the good part as soon as possible. Sometimes it takes an outside eye to see the flexibility of story.

Yeah. It's odd. A lot of my stories corrupted recently. It's something to do with them being or not being in UTF-8.  All of my uploads have been, but they seem to have been re-interpreted at some time. I've done a re-upload, so you should be able to read it now.