The Pub Discussion Board

Bridget · 2024-09-07 03:12:17

Bonded

When Grace's parents argue, she seeks refuge with the man downstairs. But, as the situation worsens, can he protect her family?

The only pedo/rape content is off-stage, not described, and mentioned in a single sentence. Otherwise this is a consensual romantic tale.

The first chapter is world-building only but it's probably worth reading.

abaddon.pale · 2024-10-22 21:38:47

Interesting primes for a story world.
A bit of constructive and well-meaning criticism.
#1 maybe this chapter should be called Prolog: Bonding. Because we have not introduced any characters yet. Itâ€™s all exposition.
#2 there are a few grammatical issues that break up the read. I know Iâ€™m one to talk right LOLâ€¦ but anyway listening to the story read back to me by a Text to Speech helps me find such issues with my stores a lot.
#3 kind of funny, just as I started to wonder to myself, what affect bonding has on women having affairs. Exactly one sentence later you answer the question. nice.
#4 this is just a sort of personal preference. But I think all of this exposition could be better delivered if weaved directly into your story via description and dialog. Letting the user discover all the info as they go.
Just a few thoughts.
I look forward to reading more.

(posted from 2 Grace)

abaddon.pale · 2024-10-23 00:30:47

The first actual chapter is very good. Looking forward to seeing more.
Some notes:
It would have been good to see some mental slowness or simpleness in Grace so that you can so improvement after bonding.
Would have liked to see, the conversation with Social Services.
I found it odd that No Fear of the police and wrongful convictions. James just sort of trusts them to do the right thing.
It would have been nice to see a little spark or teasing between Grace and James. The picture painted was really of a mentor relationship. It would have been a nice bit of foreshadowing to maybe have him catch her looking at him oddly from time to time. Maybe not wanting to risk it by following up on it or something. Just something to hint at â€œSomething moreâ€
Could have been cool for James to be both turned on and struggling with the sisters participating in the bonding ritual.

Please take all the above comments as simply my thoughts. I enjoyed what you wrote and am looking forward to the next installment. Itâ€™s an interesting concept.

(posted from 2 Grace)

Sam Spayed · 2024-10-24 10:32:50

All good and insightful comments. Thank-you.

I will have to try text-to-speech. My less controversial writing is critiqued by other writers before I consider it polished but, of course, that isn't possible here.

In a longer story I would certainly have introduced the world within the main text but, with this story being so short and the world so complex, it was not going to work for this piece.

Giving myself space to show Grace's mental improvement would have been a good idea.It's only a statistical improvement but it arises from things I would be able to show if this story continued - a greater confidence and security.

You are correct that foreshadowing Grace's choice would improve the story.

James doesn't so much trust the police, rather he trusts the DNA evidence to tell the right story and he is in significant shock. It might have improved the tale if those were brought out though.

I don't currently have plans to extend the story of James and Grace. There are other tales to tell in this universe but I don't have any yet.

sadimlonely · 2025-08-03 05:54:10

This is an excellent idea for a universe!

I can't wait to read more!

(posted from 2 Grace)

The Pub Discussion Board

#1 2024-09-07 03:12:17

Bonded

#2 2024-10-22 21:38:47

Re: Bonded

#3 2024-10-23 00:30:47

Re: Bonded

#4 2024-10-24 10:32:50

Re: Bonded

#5 2025-08-03 05:54:10

Re: Bonded

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