The Pub Discussion Board

Damned good deal :-)
Brilliant work!

(posted from Chapter 3)

Forget my comment on the older one being 25.. just finished my re-read of Chapter 1... didn't realize they were mother and daughter. so the age makes sense.. however.. we now have the issue of Sherry calling her mommy "Sissy," when he is watching them on camera earlier.  Even if they are pretending to being sisters, when they are alone with no reason to think someone is watching, i would think Sherry would call her Mommy.

in fact I don't think it gets mentioned that they are mother and daugher to the last few paragrpahs.

(posted from Chapter 1)

CreepyUnclePete wrote:

I did a major re-write a few days ago. The mom is now 23, called "Sissy" because her real name is Cecelia, which I reveal in chapter 4 tomorrow.

Sherry is almost 12. Doing the math, it's easy to tell their backstory is quite disturbing.

Chapter 5 should be ready in the next week or three.

Please keep reading and commenting. I really appreciate it!

I have read up to chapter 2 and will continue.. I do LOVE the story and it's concept. I even like the MC when normally I am adverse to the "To Nice" MCs because in RL women do not really respond well to guys who are too passive about what they really want. In the case of this story and the trauma the girls carry it's understandable.  Though the "She is too young for sex," thought should be tempered ( even in this MC's mind ) by the fact it's clear she has already had it even if it was forced on her.  But I'm sure the precocious little lady will get what she wants ..

My main Suggestion:
in Chapter 1.. the fact that they are Mom and Daughter is just sort of Dropped and instantly accepted by MC... now What! moment?  With no clue prior to that that they are mother and daughter. 
I would recommend:
A) when the first conflict ariases and Sissie leaves and the Daughter stays... before she leave.. "your my daughter, your comeing!" ... "Mom, i'm staying we are safe here."  then MC and daugher can have a brief talk about if later.. letting MC have for knowledge. but still keep it vague as during this time Sally is still warming up to him and their interactions are limited.  Maybe she shuts down when he asks about it and he drops it to not driver her further away.
or
B) when the BOMB is dropped.. "Mom!.... " have MC be shocked and flustered by this.. Sure it makes sense in hindsight but he should have ( and the reader ) some reaction.  The way it is currently presented its like we should have already known. I had to re-read a bit to make sure I didn't miss something.

Just my thoughts... as always.. your story... you do you.

CreepyUnclePete wrote:

Thanks for the suggestions, so much!

Rewrite number 4 is on the way, hopefully in the next week or three...

No problem, I really enjoy this story especially the concept.

Love the update.. still seems like MC would question why Sherrie calls Mom Sissy, at least in his own head.. but this is better and the sets the story up nice.  I'm guessing in the original version they were sisters.

You could throw in a beet where Sissy reminds Sherrie to call her "Sissy," even in private because if someone overheard that she was her mother they could try to take Shery away from her.  that's a plausible reason why Shery calls Mommy, Sissy.

Also would love it if when in Chapter 2 MC says she is too young for sex. Mom would scoff and say she was but what's done is done. LOL

(posted from Chapter 2)